I've chosen to share a personal matter that I have been engaged in for the past year.
I make a conscious effort not to expose my personal life like an open wound without valid reason and against the well-meaning advice from those who care about me and who genuinely want to spare me further pain I believe this is the right course of action
This post will be the only public discussion of this issue, with the hope that those who hear it or read it gain insight and form their own fair judgment of me.
I, like many survivors of abuse, embrace radical truth-telling. This is a response to the destabilizing effects of gaslighting and false, damaging attacks on one's character. Speaking factually about oneself is a way to safeguard against self-doubt and preserve one's own reality and integrity. It's essential to note that this commitment to truth doesn't negate my respect for privacy, which I highly value, both for myself and for others.
Up to now, I've maintained my silence, even in the face of persistent social media posts and harmful rumors that have seriously impacted my personal and professional life. This has had a very real and negative effect regarding my personal and professional relationships, my reputation, my mental well-being, my physical health, my family's welfare, our financial stability, and opportunities in my work. It's important to clarify that acknowledging the bullying I've faced doesn't mean I'm adopting a victim mentality. Abusers aim to silence their targets, and to continue to remain silent is a level of victimhood I am not willing to impose on myself. Unfortunately, it's a harsh reality that individuals who have aimed to cause me harm may construe this paragraph as a victory.
I want to clarify that this statement is not aimed at addressing any specific person or group who may have targeted me. Instead, it provides an opportunity for me to express my truth, set the record straight, and defend myself before anyone who may have knowingly or unknowingly encountered and engaged in harmful online posts and discussions about me, thereby forming opinions based on them.
Once all is said and done and the dust has settled for me in regard to this personal ordeal, I trust that this blog post may serve as a cautionary tale. A well-intended piece of advice for individuals considering embarking on a career within pregnancy care and support.
I intend to write candidly, and my words might be unsettling for some. I caveat the following with not all midwives, past or present, doulas, birth workers, or healthcare professionals. I am sharing my observations, experience from my perspective, and expressing my personal opinions.
Allow me to begin by laying down some foundational information that may or may not be useful in understanding the situation.
I'm a doula, a dedicated advocate for enhancing maternity care and outcomes for families expecting twins or multiples. I frequently voluntarily share information about twin and multiple pregnancy and birth when it's required. It's worth noting that my capacity for voluntary work is limited and as such has always been restricted to this context. I am aware my social media presence is in line with this mission, serving primarily as a platform for my activism rather than the pursuit of acquiring clients. I have shared my thoughts on social media regarding organizations and highlighted recurring problematic behaviors I've observed in the” birth world.” In the past people have commented on social media posts of mine wrongly assuming that I created them addressing a specific person or people. Unless explicitly said this is not the case and is often a post about ideologies or challenging of ideas or behaviors which we are all allowed to do. I am sorry to anyone I once called friends if they have been led to believe that any of my posts were directed at them. I can assure you they were not.
Regrettably, I frequently find myself approached by families who have suffered loss. In the vast majority of cases, these losses could have been avoided with better care. Systemic failings, discrimination and bias is a cause of many of these losses. Then there are occasions when multiple individuals stray slightly beyond their professional boundaries, and a cascade of errors takes place or where one individual's negligence, overconfidence or inflexible thinking results in the preventable tragedy.
This is why, as a Doula, I am steadfast in my commitment to maintaining a distinct role separate from that of a midwife or clinician. I am resolute in not becoming a surrogate midwife and steer clear of any tasks I deem as midwifery. Whenever I attend a birth where midwives are present, or in any clinical setting, I assume, until proven otherwise, that the clinical professional on-site possesses the requisite experience and skills to respond if necessary.
In cases where I am engaged as a birth doula for a freebirth, I must be assured from the parent themselves that they will take responsibility in the event of an emergency and an intervention being required. It's imperative to understand that I cannot provide clinical safeguards for a birth. I'm well-aware of my limitations and the legal framework. I acknowledge that I am the least qualified individual to administer life-saving care in an emergency. Nonetheless, I possess the knowledge to guide individuals in evaluating the potential benefits of clinical care during pregnancy, empowering them to make informed decisions. The responsibility for delivering clinical care lies with those possessing the clinical qualifications and expertise. Ensuring the safety of our clients hinges on every individual involved in a birth operating within their professional scope.
When I find myself in a situation where a midwife appears unfriendly or uncooperative while I'm with a client, it's essential that I not take it personally. It's fair to consider that this midwife's attitude might not be directed at me as an individual but rather at the mere presence of a doula. It's possible that they or someone they know has had a negative experience with another doula in the past.
There was a time in the past when midwives not only fulfilled their clinical roles but also had the autonomy to practice in the best interest of the client, even if it ran contrary to the NHS’s preferences. They were also able to establish a meaningful connection with a pregnant individual and their families. Experienced midwives might feel disheartened when they see a doula having the opportunity to build relationships in a way they can no longer do. In contrast, newly qualified midwives could experience a sense of disappointment, believing the “with woman” aspect of midwifery they had hoped to practice has been denied to them. I support a return to these fundamental principles, as they offer advantages to everyone involved, with a particular focus on optimising the health and enhancing the well-being of service user. Until that time, I hold hope for us, who offer support throughout the perinatal journey, to begin nurturing mutual respect for the unique roles we play in the pregnancy and childbirth experience, and ultimately unite in collaborative efforts.
Regarding my passion to improve maternity care for families expecting twins and multiples I provide related education to anyone willing to learn, including experienced healthcare professionals. Within the context of a learning environment this information is usually well received. However, when I challenge or question a healthcare professional directly or in the moment using my knowledge it's not always met with appreciation. Sometimes my knowledge is in direct conflict to what a midwife or clinician has always believed to be true. At times, they are too confident that the perceived knowledge of said healthcare provider is greater than the need to prioritize the safety of the individual under their care, both in specific instances and more broadly.
Maternity services can be quite a toxic environment, and it has an unfortunate effect on anyone who engages with it. I find it necessary to decompress with a refreshing shower, a debriefing session, and a couple of fruit ciders after any time spent within a maternity hospital or after interacting with some of those who work within them.
The "birth world" on the whole grapples with similar issues, but individuals working within formal maternity services also contend with additional challenges. The realm of maternity services often resembles a dysfunctional family marked by numerous unhealthy dynamics. This work environment, along with witnessing trauma, the substantial need for professionals to protect themselves from blame and the experience of being subjected to an abusive system over an extended period can cause individuals who would otherwise exhibit empathy to become compassion fatigued and to practice defensively. They may then lash out against others including, towards the individuals they claim to support and have a genuine concern for.
Additionally, it's an unfortunate reality that some individuals enter caring professions with the motive of seeking admiration, power, and control. While I believe that such individuals make up only a minority, among those few, working under such conditions can potentially give rise to truly harmful behaviors.
More and more midwives are leaving the profession having become disenchanted with the NHS. Some face disciplinary hearings and dismissal. In many cases, they transition to independent midwifery. Interestingly, a considerable number of them eventually find their way into the "birth world," which notably includes a significant population of former student midwives. Occasionally, they regard their knowledge as vastly superior, which leads them to assume self-appointed leadership positions within that community. Due to their experiences and personality types their approach draws on their clinical experience combined with resentment, criticism, and lingering anger toward their former employer or governing body. I wonder if their objective to challenge the system is in an attempt to get personal justice rather than improve the pregnancy and birth experiences of others. With so many people having had unfavorable experiences during pregnancy and birth who feel harmed by maternity services, myself included, their endeavor is facilitated in an echo chamber made up of people who share a similar sense of anger. For a period, I held some of these personalities and individuals in high esteem, and wanted to be included in the communities they create both to form friendships and also continue to share my knowledge about twin and multiple pregnancy and for a time I was included, my work seemed to be valued, and I voluntarily created a lot of content for them about twins.
Within the birth community, conflicts, competition, and hostility are sadly all too common. Many individuals working in this field have experienced victimisation at some point. Likewise, no one is perfect and almost anyone can be inadvertently involved in the mistreatment of another person. I was drawn into a situation where I engaged in behavior that was less than kind towards someone. As soon as I recognized my role within a group acting hurtfully towards another, I took steps to distance myself from that situation. I regret my contribution to the harm caused and am sorry. Moving forward, I hope to act with greater self-awareness and consideration for others.
I have always been a non-conformist and have struggled within structured systems. You might assume that as a doula, I exist outside of any organized framework, of course I can and now do chose to; However I hate to have to be the one to break it to you, there is, in fact, a well-established hierarchical structure within the "birth world" that closely resembles formal maternity services. This structure is overseen by a select group of influential figures made up of people from varying backgrounds and disciplines within maternity support who boast substantial social media followings. I jokingly, I refer to them as the "Douluminati." Worryingly they exhibit behaviors strikingly similar to those of the NHS. They determine who is included, who is excluded, what is deemed acceptable, what isn't, what's right, what's wrong, who is relevant, and who isn't. They readily ostracize and shun others, all the while criticizing maternity services for doing the same. They tend to shield one another, evade accountability, highlight only the positive aspects of their approach, while avoiding discussing negative stories or outcomes. This is Ironic considering they advocate for informed consent as they do not allow for it in their own recommendations. Certain members seem immune to criticism, much like Teflon, nothing sticks, and any questions or concerns raised about them tend to slide off. Some of them have fervent followings of loyal supporters who passionately spread their message and willingly work for them for free. I write this with considerable anxiety, fearing potential repercussions, but I hope that if any of them happen to come across this and do discuss me, they will decide that I am of little significance rather than attack my views and character, again.
When it comes to my want to make an impact in the “birth world” I have struggled to strike a balance between the necessity of having a voice, no matter how limited it may be, in order to enhance understanding and care for those expecting twins and multiples. It's an unsettling truth that some individuals would prefer to “Cancel” me than afford me the opportunity to make a positive impact where they previously did. In my pursuit of what I consider the greater good, I extend significant leeway until I simply can’t. I find it impossible to ignore the “elephant in the room” and significant issues that need addressing. My strong sense of justice compels me to question people if I perceive their actions as potentially hazardous or in direct contrast to my own moral values, especially when it puts others at a physical, emotional, or societal disadvantage. I have tried to take a gradual and gentle approach over a period of time. I have tried to encourage sharing of an individual’s competence, positive attributes, and behaviors as a means to negate harm. This has at times left me open to abusive behavior from individuals. I have a “Long rope,” but everyone has their limits. To borrow a quote from Frida Kahlo, I am "Not Fragile Like a Flower, Fragile Like a Bomb." I do respond, not in an overtly aggressive manner, but I can understand how my sudden directness might be misconstrued as such, particularly when combined with my working-class Southeast London accent. I will speak my mind when necessary and then, if required, distance myself from the individual or group to shield myself from further mistreatment. There have been instances where I have come to recognise the person I need to be honest with as vindictive. I found myself having to hold someone accountable for acting in a discriminatory way towards another which placed another birthworker afforded not as much privilege at risk. I had come to know this person to be very predatory and retaliatory when they felt harmed or their behavior exposed. As such I knew that doing this placed me in a position with them that I had seen others and it would only be a matter of time and an opportunity for them to seek retribution. In this situation, they did. They did and fortunately for them I am not made of the same ilk and as such will not engage in any behaviors that might negatively affect them or their family.
Generally, doulas refrain from sharing information about their clients unless granted explicit permission. This principle is enshrined in the code of conduct mandated by the accrediting organization I belong to. When I find it necessary to seek advice or support regarding a client within the social media group of my accrediting body, I can only do so if I have received permission to share such information from my client. I wouldn't request permission to share anything for my own personal benefit. This practice extends to the sharing or use of pictures of my clients, their childbirth experiences, or their babies after delivery, and here's the rationale behind it.
I have always been acutely conscious of the potential power dynamic with a client that could be leveraged to my advantage. Childbirth is an inherently intimate and private event, often accompanied by heightened vulnerability. As doulas, we frequently receive substantial credit for the roles we play, roles that are sometimes perceived as far more significant than they are. It's not uncommon to hear expressions of gratitude such as "I couldn't have done it without you" or "if it wasn't for you." When someone feels such a profound sense of gratitude, it could be challenging for them to decline any request of mine. I aim to prevent individuals from feeling obligated into giving consent to something they may not have otherwise agreed to. I try and be as accessible as possible as a result, I provide discounted fees, flexible payment options, and even offer free support. Personally, I would consider it inappropriate to anticipate that anyone I have assisted during pregnancy should ever feel obliged to do anything for my exclusive benefit. If in this situation I consider the possibility of any misunderstanding, that I was offering to work for free for them, it could only have occurred because the relationship allowed for that person to exploit me and take advantage for personal gain. They clearly believed this to be acceptable behavior.
To my knowledge I have never had an issue with another doula unless they have acted in the interest of an ex-midwife or ex-midwifery student. I have never had an issue with a client or a doula I have provided shared care with. I always offer to honour work with payment especially if the person is disadvantaged by colonialist patriarchal systems steeped in discriminatory principles of privilege.
If you're already acquainted with the situation I'm referring to, then, like me, you've likely experienced a substantial waste of your time, all to the advantage of a single individual. The cult of one is strong. For those who may not have all the facts, let me offer some context. I found myself entangled in a small claims court case initiated by a former midwife. Given all the aforementioned factors and more, it's no surprise to have found myself the direct recipient of the frustration of a disgruntled former midwife. But this ex-midwife is a person I met along with her colleague/business partner when I was pregnant and attended a pregnancy and baby group they ran.
This is my first ever experience with a small claims court case, and I want to warn people how easily they can end up in a situation like I did, a process that can easily be manipulated to the advantage of individuals who have the privilege to utilize it.
The claimant felt compelled to extensively and consistently share details about it. These detailed posts left no room for doubt regarding my identity. Many people extended their support to the claimant, who is widely regarded as the "victim" in this scenario. I hold a significant amount of care and concern for all of you who are reading and participating in discussions about me on social media. My presumption is that the majority of you may work in maternity services or with families expecting babies, whether within or outside of maternity services. I want to stress, as others have stressed to me for months, the importance of directing your attention to where it is most needed, focusing on those who require your assistance the most.
This individual has recently proclaimed that they have “won”. However, the concept of "winning" is subjective and varies from person to person. What does winning mean to them?
I cannot say for sure but If their definition of winning includes exploiting a power dynamic to their advantage, abusing their financial resources to gain an upper hand over someone with less power and fewer financial resources, then yes, they have indeed won!
It's essential to consider the perspective here. This was a small claims hearing, not a judgment of one's character. It wasn't about determining who was a morally upright person and who wasn't. It wasn't a competition to ascertain who could better utilize their knowledge to benefit others. I, at the very least, grasped this fundamental fact. This case revolved around an agreement, a contract, or in this case the absence thereof.
Do I think this was solely about an individual in financial distress needing money that I fleeced? No, I believe it was about the desire to silence me because I disassociated from something I considered could cause substantial harm to others perpetuated by an individual who has a history they are proud of in causing harm to others.
The judge reached a decision, which I wouldn't call a victory, but rather a ruling that, based on the balance of probabilities, I was NOT working in a voluntary capacity as claimed. In the absence of a written agreement, he determined an amount that he considered was owed to who. While I disagree with this judgment, I'm willing to accept it because I must move forward. I have more pressing matters to attend to. Even though throughout this experience I had more doula clients than ever I still managed to persevere in my efforts to provide support to those in need and continued with my activism to the best of my ability, believe you me this situation consumed an excessive amount of my time and energy.
I believe the individual took legal action against me out of concern that I had exposed the risks associated with their approach to teaching hands-on midwifery and obstetric skills, which they were instructing as an ex-registrant to non-clinical individuals during an event I had organized and that they would provide teaching. This event was all managed under my then new business venture called Birthwork Events. As I became aware of the increasing clinical nature of the course, my unease grew, particularly regarding the late involvement of someone with whom I felt uncomfortable. Unfortunately, I can't elaborate on this due to its connection with a serious crime against a minor.
Furthermore, this person's behavior became increasingly controlling and abusive toward me. I reached a point of extreme distress and felt the need to do what I believed was right. Initially, I reacted unfairly to an associate who shared a link to an article about twin birth that is in fairness terrifyingly non evidence based. Due to the underlying distrust that had nothing to do with this associate I subsequently issued a prompt apology, we spoke and I was left thinking we had resolved the issue. Yet, I remained troubled by the greater awareness I had gained from this interaction.
After consulting with a trusted friend, I wrestled with the decision to either cancel the event based on suspicion alone or reduce my involvement as much as possible. I believed that having an NHS obstetrician at the event would provide a safeguard against any inappropriate activities. My offer to continue providing the event's catering but resolutely abstaining from any involvement with practical demonstrations and the understanding I would not promote Birthwork Events at this event. This offer was declined.
Acting with professionalism I handed over the WhatsApp group chat for event attendees, which this person had not wanted to participate in previously. Regrettably, on transferring the group to them they quickly used the group to their advantage, mobilizing unwitting members against me and manipulating people to help build a case against me. On the event's final day, I submitted an invoice for my work, paying them a fee that exceeded their initial request. I now recognize that I made errors in this process.
Things took an ugly turn when they posted a video on social media, which received negative responses. They became convinced, without evidence, that I had sent supporters to comment on this video. I had blocked the account where it was posted. It caused distress among people who viewed the video and reached out to me, expressing their concerns regarding the McRoberts Maneuver demonstration because I was openly involved in organising the event.
The key issue was the perception that it was an unnecessary maneuver and could be unsafe, especially when performed by individuals lacking clinical experience. Additionally, there were worries that this was being taught to non-clinical individuals, potentially putting many people at risk. I responded by stating that I had suspicions the event would become clinical but not to the extent depicted in the video. I also made it clear I wouldn't be commenting on the post and expressed my distress over the situation. That evening, the narrative shifted, and they claimed that the video was of them demonstrating "what not to do." If you have seen this video you will see how obviously untrue this is.
Subsequently, the situation took a sharp and aggressive turn. The person I referred to earlier who had no involvement in any of this saw an opportunity. I found that friends, colleagues, and even the organization I had trained with were contacted in the middle of the night regarding “my behavior” Baring in mind I was not present, I refrained from commenting, and I steadfastly refused to engage in any discussion. I simply distanced myself from a situation that I found deeply uncomfortable, which also had the potential for criminal ramifications. Over time, a steady stream of negative information about me led to doubts about me from everyone I had come to know and considered friends in the birthworld. Allegiances were formed between the claimant and individuals she openly expressed a dislike for to me previously. Regrettably, I must admit that while I consider myself to be intelligent, I lack the emotional intelligence to engage in manipulation and triangulation. Initially, my response was an attempt to defend myself. However, I quickly realized that this was a futile endeavor and could potentially have consequences related to the ongoing small claims case against me. Consequently, I made the decision to exit group chats and distance myself from people whom I had once considered friends and the birthworld as a whole.
I focused on my own work and am going to be going ahead with the delayed relaunching and rebranding planned imminently and finally putting this behind me.
They believe they win. They won my time, my financial resources, the support and sympathy of others, your attention, and an extensive amount of your time. I believe they are now teaching this course at various locations and reaping the rewards. Most significantly, they achieved their goal of revenge. In court, this individual cited their inability to have a conversation with me as a reason for resorting to legal action. They argued that it's an "industry standard" for people to volunteer their time for an opportunity to have a space on their course, a course that didn’t exist before I suggested it. They stated this is the case because they are "world-renowned." I had no idea I had kept company with someone with such high status. After the hearing I immediately conducted an online search using their name followed by "world-renowned," only to find that Google couldn't complete that sentence, as such acclaim doesn't exist outside of this person's own mind.I have heard it said as the fantasy progresses, there is a corresponding advancement in self-deception when it comes to self-description. They have repeatedly demanded that I owe them an apology, as well as a conversation. Why should I apologize or engage in a discussion? I severed ties for a valid reason, and I stand by that decision.
Do I view my experience in the small claims court as a loss? No. I recognize that I participated in the process with integrity and without resorting to dishonest or manipulative strategies. I adhered to the rules of engagement to the best of my ability, acknowledging and taking responsibility for any mistakes I made along the way. I believe that if I had fought fire with fire, the outcome might have been different and possibly in my favor. Likewise, had the claimant approached the situation the same as I did, the court's decision might have been in my favor. I do not consider the judge's ruling a win either way. I am concerned with the amount of irrelevant third party information shared in their evidence bundle. Please know that I hold none of it against any of the people whose data was shared. I recognise that some of you felt you were doing the right thing. I am proud of the fact that in my defense of this case I acted with integrity and despite an awareness of harm towards others by this person I didn’t prioritise my need to be victorious over their safety.
You might be wondering why I'm sharing this. Is it truly essential to me? Well, not in the sense that I'm overly concerned about the other person financially benefiting from this situation. At best, it's been a source of irritation, and my primary frustration stems from the time it has taken away from my family and the people I can assist. Am I a victim? No. Am I vulnerable? No. My intention in writing this is to assure people I am not the threat, and many of the beliefs or accusations about me are unfounded.
To clarify, so we can move on and focus our attention on those who need us:
Yes, the small claims case ruled more in favor of the claimant.
I didn't report anyone to the NMC or the GMC, and the person accusing me of such knows that I didn't. However, going forward public safety will remain a priority.
I genuinely have no “cronies” involved in any smear campaign. In fact, I've lost friends due to this, but I refuse to play the same game.
Do I seek to harm another person? No.
Did someone loose? Absolutely. My mission has always centered around enhancing maternity care for women and families expecting twins and multiples. I was on the verge of applying for research funding aimed at bolstering competence within maternity services, ensuring that those pregnant with twins could have choices regarding their pregnancy and childbirth. Regrettably, this initiative has been stalled due to a tainted image of me propagated by untruths conveyed by this person and a small circle around them. What else was forfeited? The individuals in need you and I could have supported that you were unable to while being consumed by commentary on posts, conversations, the provision of letters,statements and engagement tailored for the benefit of one individual and one mission, constituting a genuine smear campaign. My children lost time with me. A Christmas almost ruined because, in a highly vindictive manner, I was served with court papers on Christmas Eve, circumventing the usual process. If I feel harmed by someone and they have young children I often don’t retaliate because they have dependents who rely on them that can be affected. Some of you championed this. You might consider It worth taking a moment to consider if in my position how might this same behavior affect you and your loved ones, particularly if they are children
When individuals we typically anticipate to display compassion behave in this manner, is it any wonder that communities and nations end up divided?
I find it truly perplexing that the business partner of the claimant as a doula co-ran the baby group I attended went to court as a witness in a small claims case against me. This individual, was willing to stand before a judge in a court of law for her friend and business partner to win an amount of money but has been known to be decidedly mute if not active in preventing the course of justice in an actual serious case. I can not and will not say more about this but they both know exactly what I am referring to.
The judgment this person passed on me would almost be comical if it weren't such a tragic example of a complete lack of self awareness that demonstrates what happens when immorality is met with a strong sense of entitlement.
Keep in mind those who are truly vulnerable in the world, please. There are real victims and genuinely vulnerable individuals worldwide facing unimaginable hardships. Families are tragically retrieving the lifeless bodies of their children from the rubble caused by war and conflicts. People are experiencing suffering within maternity services. People must remain vigilant and "stay woke" due to the persistent threat their existence faces solely because of the colour of their skin. This tendency to adopt a pack mentality and unquestioningly follow the words of any single person, ideology, system, or personality is not healthy, and it benefits no one except the one who instigates it. It's time for this to come to an end. Instead, let's each march to the beat of our own drum. In today's world, society greatly relies on this individuality more than ever.
Where might I have lost? Some individuals who do not know me and have never met me have been swayed into believing that I am a terrible person to be avoided at all costs, as if engaging with me would make them a victim. I wouldn't be as concerned about this if it hadn't hindered so much positive work.
The notion that I would ever engage in public criticism of any random person online is completely false. I want to make it clear that I've observed a significant amount of reckless behavior that has genuinely surprised me. Many of these individuals play no significant role in maternity services overall, and I fail to see any benefit in publicly "calling them out."
Finally, I looked up to people, some of whom I still have a fondness towards because I had imposter syndrome and felt like I was lowly. My perspective shifted when I submitted an abstract that I co authored, accepted and was invited to the World Fetal Medicine Congress. In the weeks before I found myself reflecting on how to respond when someone I considered to have the "credibility" to be at the event asked me about my specific area of practice in fetal medicine. In my mind, I repeated "I am a doula" multiple times, envisioning different scenarios and answers, the response each time felt ridiculous, and judgemental until it suddenly struck me - "I AM A DOULA." I am a doula. A good one at that. I lack formal midwifery training, not because I couldn't pursue it if I wanted, but because I've never desired to do so. I don't need to unlearn anything. Let me clarify, what doulas are learning from these former midwives does not, for the most part, align with the essence of being a doula. If you are a doula, own it, love it, be it and wear the title with pride.
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